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Joava
Joava
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
United States
I love to draw, particularly animals, and I am going to major in Journalism. My favorite language is French and someday I plan to be a fluent francophone and travel to Paris.
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15 April 2015


I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

I've got strep throat. Since last Wednesday. :( I have never felt consistently ill for so long before in my life (except maybe chicken pox, but I really only remember being itchy). 

Ever had strep throat before? Well I have white patches on my left tonsil, soreness in my throat that runs pain inside my ear and down my neck and my lymph nodes in my neck on the left side are swollen. It is so weird. Last week I kept having a low fever, that kept up through Sunday. I say this started Wednesday because that's when I started feeling soreness in my skin (a sign of a low fever) and I think Thursday is maybe when my throat started hurting. Friday is when I found the spots, though. I'm not sure how long they've been there. 

Anyway, I've been on antibiotics since Monday, but I haven't felt any better yet. I was hoping that I'd start seeing some kind of improvement after the first few days, but this is day three, dose 5 and I still feel the same, although I haven't been feverish. 

I also keep getting a migraine. I had the same migraine three days in a row (Saturday through Monday) and then I got this really nasty killer neck migraine last night, and today I felt another one start up, so I took some Advil early on. It's being kept at bay, but once the Advil wears off, I'm sure it'll come back. :( 

Advil does help my throat feel tolerable and almost like it's going to get better, but as soon as it wears off, I feel even worse. I'm really starting to worry that maybe it really isn't strep and that the antibiotics are all for naught. :( Guh, I am really hoping that I start seeing some improvements!! If at least my lymph nodes wouldn't be so swollen, or if my throat only hurt when I swallow, you know? I've never had this before! I'm not sure any one in my family has! :(  



Lately I've just been feeling especially down and this isn't helping. I'm really quite frustrated with the whole situation with the guy. I knew that if I didn't say hi to him at the church group, he wouldn't bother trying to say hi to me. Well that happened yesterday (during that awful neck migraine, mind you). I guess maybe I shouldn't have bothered going. :( 

What's worse about this, though, is that my social media seems to be exploding with weddings and engagements from so many people that I know who are my age (or younger). And I'm over here, finishing up my last term at college thinking that I should have been that far by now. I was expecting to meet somebody real nice at college. 

And I did. And now he doesn't want to be seen with me. He won't even say hi. 

It makes me feel like nobody will ever like me, and maybe that's an exaggeration, but I seem to have a pretty good record of scaring people away. I really don't know what it is about me. I come off as real nice and friendly, funny, too, but then my insecurities take over and suddenly everything I'm afraid of happening happens. They start to avoid me. They start to dislike everything about me. I start becoming one of those people they are only polite to, but inside are wishing I hadn't noticed them at all. 

Once school is over, I have another problem-- how do you come across a potential spouse when you live in the middle of nowhere? I can't just go to a bar or anything like that (because I'm not looking for that type). I'm also not really a social person. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with people, just not a lot of people at the same time. 

I'm really picky about what I'm looking for, too. Especially after this last relationship thing. I knew I was ignoring red flags. But really, I was trying to point them out to HIM to say hey, I'm not the only female on the planet who will have issue with this and for your sake you'd better start checking yourself because maybe you don't want to run off the next girl who finds you to be a good respectable guy who's worth investing in. 

He didn't really listen to me anyway. It's funny, too, because he didn't listen to me even on things he said he had personal convictions on-- such as drinking. He said he was straight edge-- no drinking or smoking. And then as soon as he turned 21, he went drinking. He didn't have much, but he did try it. But what's worse, he later went to an event thing and some other chick convinced him to have a drink there. -_-;; I tried to tell him not to do that. I worry about him. He is very weak when it comes to peer pressure. My protective nature comes out in those kinds of situations. If I were there, I'd have supported him not drinking.  But then I'm "controlling" and that's "baaad." 

I can't win. 

So yes, I'm sad things didn't work out between us because I really do care about him a lot, but no, I'm not absolutely devastated because I know I deserve better than that. Someone who'll take my opinions seriously and not just think I'm constantly trying to control him.  But yes, I am sad that my time in college is ending in that I will no longer be surrounded by a pool of young men my age. -_-;;  Maybe that's selfish, but I am worried about it. And since I'm still trying to get completely over him, I feel like looking for someone else will just be too soon for me. I wouldn't be emotionally ready. I'd probably just try not to be lonely. 

I don't believe in the rebound relationship. I think every relationship is unique. But my situation is different than his. I was the one who was dumped. I didn't do the dumping. (Actually, this is the second time he has done the dumping in a row, and the second time I've been dumped in a row, so there you go.)  

So on top of all this emotional nonsense I've been dealing with (no boyfriend, facebook plastered with engagements and weddings and photos of couples together, the fact that it's spring and every channel is talking about love, blah blah), I've also got strep throat and it doesn't seem to be getting better (but maybe I'm not being patient enough).  

I had to miss church on Sunday. It was the whole reason I went home last weekend... to go to church on Sunday and do communion and see Beth. We were signed up together for nursery duty. That was something Joyce did to be nice and stuff. Because she knows how much I like Beth and such. I'm so disappointed. :( 

I'm just going through a particularly sucky season right now. I'm in the valley and I want to be on the mountain. I'm stuck in the shadows, feeling my way through the dark and tripping over rocks in the road along the way. The sun hasn't come up yet. It's too dark to tell where I'm going.  It's mostly overcast, too, so I only see a few little stars, but not enough to tell me which way to go. 
  • Mood: Miserable

Activity


Noelle by Joava
Noelle
Remember that guy who's been giving me so much emotional trouble? This is his mother. She is very beautiful. Her birthday is May 16, so this is a present for her. I've never met her or talked to her or anything. He just thought it'd be a nice idea for a present (actually it was my idea, but he liked it soooo).

I actually very much enjoyed working on this. I liked that the picture I copied from was already in black and white, so it made it easier to decide shades and such. :)  
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Evening Clouds by Joava
Evening Clouds
Watercolor sunset. :) From a photo I took a while back. It was probably the most beautiful and colorful sunset I have ever seen in my entire life. 
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15 April 2015


I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

I've got strep throat. Since last Wednesday. :( I have never felt consistently ill for so long before in my life (except maybe chicken pox, but I really only remember being itchy). 

Ever had strep throat before? Well I have white patches on my left tonsil, soreness in my throat that runs pain inside my ear and down my neck and my lymph nodes in my neck on the left side are swollen. It is so weird. Last week I kept having a low fever, that kept up through Sunday. I say this started Wednesday because that's when I started feeling soreness in my skin (a sign of a low fever) and I think Thursday is maybe when my throat started hurting. Friday is when I found the spots, though. I'm not sure how long they've been there. 

Anyway, I've been on antibiotics since Monday, but I haven't felt any better yet. I was hoping that I'd start seeing some kind of improvement after the first few days, but this is day three, dose 5 and I still feel the same, although I haven't been feverish. 

I also keep getting a migraine. I had the same migraine three days in a row (Saturday through Monday) and then I got this really nasty killer neck migraine last night, and today I felt another one start up, so I took some Advil early on. It's being kept at bay, but once the Advil wears off, I'm sure it'll come back. :( 

Advil does help my throat feel tolerable and almost like it's going to get better, but as soon as it wears off, I feel even worse. I'm really starting to worry that maybe it really isn't strep and that the antibiotics are all for naught. :( Guh, I am really hoping that I start seeing some improvements!! If at least my lymph nodes wouldn't be so swollen, or if my throat only hurt when I swallow, you know? I've never had this before! I'm not sure any one in my family has! :(  



Lately I've just been feeling especially down and this isn't helping. I'm really quite frustrated with the whole situation with the guy. I knew that if I didn't say hi to him at the church group, he wouldn't bother trying to say hi to me. Well that happened yesterday (during that awful neck migraine, mind you). I guess maybe I shouldn't have bothered going. :( 

What's worse about this, though, is that my social media seems to be exploding with weddings and engagements from so many people that I know who are my age (or younger). And I'm over here, finishing up my last term at college thinking that I should have been that far by now. I was expecting to meet somebody real nice at college. 

And I did. And now he doesn't want to be seen with me. He won't even say hi. 

It makes me feel like nobody will ever like me, and maybe that's an exaggeration, but I seem to have a pretty good record of scaring people away. I really don't know what it is about me. I come off as real nice and friendly, funny, too, but then my insecurities take over and suddenly everything I'm afraid of happening happens. They start to avoid me. They start to dislike everything about me. I start becoming one of those people they are only polite to, but inside are wishing I hadn't noticed them at all. 

Once school is over, I have another problem-- how do you come across a potential spouse when you live in the middle of nowhere? I can't just go to a bar or anything like that (because I'm not looking for that type). I'm also not really a social person. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with people, just not a lot of people at the same time. 

I'm really picky about what I'm looking for, too. Especially after this last relationship thing. I knew I was ignoring red flags. But really, I was trying to point them out to HIM to say hey, I'm not the only female on the planet who will have issue with this and for your sake you'd better start checking yourself because maybe you don't want to run off the next girl who finds you to be a good respectable guy who's worth investing in. 

He didn't really listen to me anyway. It's funny, too, because he didn't listen to me even on things he said he had personal convictions on-- such as drinking. He said he was straight edge-- no drinking or smoking. And then as soon as he turned 21, he went drinking. He didn't have much, but he did try it. But what's worse, he later went to an event thing and some other chick convinced him to have a drink there. -_-;; I tried to tell him not to do that. I worry about him. He is very weak when it comes to peer pressure. My protective nature comes out in those kinds of situations. If I were there, I'd have supported him not drinking.  But then I'm "controlling" and that's "baaad." 

I can't win. 

So yes, I'm sad things didn't work out between us because I really do care about him a lot, but no, I'm not absolutely devastated because I know I deserve better than that. Someone who'll take my opinions seriously and not just think I'm constantly trying to control him.  But yes, I am sad that my time in college is ending in that I will no longer be surrounded by a pool of young men my age. -_-;;  Maybe that's selfish, but I am worried about it. And since I'm still trying to get completely over him, I feel like looking for someone else will just be too soon for me. I wouldn't be emotionally ready. I'd probably just try not to be lonely. 

I don't believe in the rebound relationship. I think every relationship is unique. But my situation is different than his. I was the one who was dumped. I didn't do the dumping. (Actually, this is the second time he has done the dumping in a row, and the second time I've been dumped in a row, so there you go.)  

So on top of all this emotional nonsense I've been dealing with (no boyfriend, facebook plastered with engagements and weddings and photos of couples together, the fact that it's spring and every channel is talking about love, blah blah), I've also got strep throat and it doesn't seem to be getting better (but maybe I'm not being patient enough).  

I had to miss church on Sunday. It was the whole reason I went home last weekend... to go to church on Sunday and do communion and see Beth. We were signed up together for nursery duty. That was something Joyce did to be nice and stuff. Because she knows how much I like Beth and such. I'm so disappointed. :( 

I'm just going through a particularly sucky season right now. I'm in the valley and I want to be on the mountain. I'm stuck in the shadows, feeling my way through the dark and tripping over rocks in the road along the way. The sun hasn't come up yet. It's too dark to tell where I'm going.  It's mostly overcast, too, so I only see a few little stars, but not enough to tell me which way to go. 
  • Mood: Miserable
9 April 2015


I've got canker sores, I've got soreness in my gums for some unknown reason, I've got sore skin, and my muscles are achy. 

This is nothing compared to how lousy I feel about jerky-mcjerkface. 

I'm referring to that guy I talked about in my last journal. 

He left me with this false impression that he wanted to be friends with me still, so I went back to friend mode in my head and just did things like when we were just friends (which actually isn't too different except no more affectionate stuff). 

But he has been left feeling like I'm manipulating him into temptation to do affectionate stuff-- which I'm not.  

Suddenly it's not okay to have a conversation with him at our church group. 

Suddenly it's not okay with him to chill and hang out after our church group. 

Suddenly I'm basically the black plague to him that he is doing everything in his power to fend off. 


This is extremely hurtful. Extremely hurtful. I am feeling rather blindsided because he's been doing this hot/cold thing the past two weeks. One minute, we're hanging out and everything is fine, the next he has so many issues with everything that was fine and I'm all of a sudden this horrible person to him! 

Needless to say, I am not speaking with him until he has decided that he has had enough "space." 


It would have been a whole heck of a lot easier if he'd have just asked for some "space" in the first place. How hard would that have been? 

"Hey, I need a little space right now to get my head straightened out. I promise it's not that I hate you or anything and I still want to be friends and stuff, but right now I just need a little time to myself to process everything." 


There. Simple. Easy.  And not hurtful. 


But that's not what I got. What I got was:  

"I told you not to shadow me at Good Fight." 

and

"You are a means to fulfill my loneliness. You are an object to me." 

and

"I don't want to be seen around you for extended periods of time." 

and

"No, you were desperate for my attention. I can't stand up for myself so I just put on a happy face, but in my head it's like 'Leave me alone. Go away. Leave me alone.'" 

and so on and so forth. 



What. The. Actual. Heck. 



I told him to talk to me when he's all spaced out. I have not talked to him since last night. I wonder how long it will last. Eventually I'll have to talk to him, though. I have a game of his. -_-;; I'm thinking about just writing a note on it being polite and thanking him for letting me borrow it and then just leave it by his stuff at good fight (which by the way is this church group thing where I met him). 


Note to self: Never again. 


I will not be playing the dating game. If the next guy (should there be one) comes up and has too many wishy washy attitudes about things, I'm just going to turn around because this is ridiculous. I've been getting so many mixed messages from him that I'm just done. I've had enough. I'm not doing this again. 
  • Mood: Miserable

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Comments


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:iconmariofox737:
mariofox737 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Free Birthday Icon 
Reply
:iconjoava:
Joava Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:D Thank you!
Reply
:iconelreydelleon:
Elreydelleon Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014
www.deviantart.com/art/Traveli…\

I thought of you when I saw the cat. :meow:
Reply
:iconjoava:
Joava Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That's neat. X3
Reply
:iconelreydelleon:
Elreydelleon Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2014
:iconfurryglompplz:
Reply
:iconcandymountainclimber:
CandyMountainClimber Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014  Hobbyist
You're such an amazing artist!!  Your cats are so cute!! :iconohjoyplz:
Reply
:iconjoava:
Joava Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Aw, thank you! <3 I wish more people were as excited as you, haha! 
Reply
:iconscarletcat1:
Scarletcat1 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I LOVE your works :) 
Reply
:iconjoava:
Joava Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Aw, thank you very much! 
Reply
:iconscarletcat1:
Scarletcat1 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome!! :')
Reply
:iconfinvarra-penn:
Finvarra-Penn Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hey Whitney, it's Snicks. :D I'm back on dA. Doubt I'll upload anything. Mainly just hear to collect awesome art. :D
Reply
:iconjoava:
Joava Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
HEY! :D How are you doing?!
Reply
:iconfinvarra-penn:
Finvarra-Penn Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm good. :D
Reply
:iconjoava:
Joava Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
HA! I GOT YOU TO SAY THAT WORD! I've actually been plotting this for two days.... :D
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(1 Reply)
:iconelreydelleon:
Elreydelleon Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
:D
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