17 March 2015
Emphasis on "break."
I was having a semi-lovely relationship with this guy I met in October, and he has decided to "break" it off. :\ Too bad. I was really enjoying dem kisses.
Let's start over.
So I met this guy back in October right after my car accident. Since about a week after I initially met him, we've been talking every single day either on facebook, texting etc.. and at first we really hit it off.
I didn't really think of him romantically at first, but he was ridiculously fun to talk to and I greatly looked forward to our very long and random conversations. It was nice to talk to him because he was easy to talk to and we could talk about pretty much anything, even things that were hard to talk about. No judgments.
Anyway, near the middle/end of November, we started to become a little more flirty and we teased about what if we were married, lol? and so I think things like that put the idea in our heads that we kind of mutually really liked each other, and it was true.
One day, a friend of mine said it sounded like it was time to define our relationship, so I talked to him about it, and that conversation opened up this huge can of worms: children.
I don't want them. He does. In some sense, that was really unfair for me in that I'd only known him a little over a month and kids should not be a big topic as of yet seeing how minds can change down the line. On the other hand, however, things like that are a big deal and need to be discussed (but I still feel like it should have waited because honestly, I was blindsided by that and it made me feel physically ill for a few hours).
After that obstacle (we never really came to any conclusions), we continued to spend time together and pursued this friendship. We got closer and even started doing couple-things, like cuddles, kisses and dates. The dates were awesome!
There was this one in particular that was especially nice-- he even dressed up for it! He looked so good! Anyway, so right before Christmas break started was our first kiss and it was confusing for me because we were still in that limbo state where he wasn't actually sure if he was ready to be in an official relationship with me.
That concerned me greatly and I felt that we really needed to talk about it, but we had 4 weeks to be apart. Needless to say, we talked every day of break, but most of the time we were arguing about pretty much everything. Suddenly he was angry with me for teasing him about certain things and saying how controlling I was. Then if I had any grievances back, he'd turn them back on me and avoided answering questions directly. All these things kept piling up and piling up and piling up, but every time I tried to talk to him to hash things out and make them better, it turned into an argument. We didn't skype except maybe two or three times (and other weekend visits I made to home, we'd skype each day, so this was a big deal).
The whole time, I kept the mindset that if we wanted this to work we needed to both want it to work and both be willing to talk about it. I know that relationships aren't supposed to be easy and happy all the time, so maybe this was a test of our endurance. I mean, once you're married, if things pop up like this, you have to work it out because that's it. (I'd really like to marry and have absolutely no intention of divorcing ever. Like, that's not an option.) And I was pretty serious about this guy.
I've only really started in about a lot a rough stuff about him, so let me give you readers a slight reprieve because you may be thinking why was I fighting so hard to make it work--- Well actually he's very sweet and very sensitive. He's pretty helpful, too. We have a lot of fun together and normally we really do get along very well. He appreciates my humor and he's chivalrous (like he opens doors and pays for the dates, including ice cream rather frequently). He's been very patient with me and the biggest thing (besides that he is a Christian like I am) for me is that he doesn't give me those weird feelings that I always seem to get. In the beginning, yah, he kind of did and it creeped me out some, but the thing is after I'd talk to him about it, they would go away and I'd feel better. That never happened before. He made me feel safe and comfortable.
But then all this stuff in December happened and it totally killed my break for me. It was excruciatingly stressful and darn near impossible to bear. I did not want him to give up so easily just because of kids, but at the same time, I didn't want to promise to change my mind about kids just to get him to stick around because that's not how it works.
All the while, he's dealing with this too. He doesn't want to force me to have kids one day, but he also doesn't want to miss out on being a dad because he really wants that someday. And he doesn't want to have kids right away or anything, but definitely he does want to have kids. Like, 2 of them.
We seemed to patch some things up just after Christmas and that was okay. When January rolled around and school came back into session, we started to hang out in person again. Almost right away we had some kisses and such. It confused me and made me feel rather uneasy and so I told him so, but in doing so I kind of made it seem like I wasn't willing to pursue the relationship. I was starting to feel odd and weird again and I felt like it wasn't easy to talk to him about it. Everything was already so frail that I didn't want to add to it.
The next week things were fine with me and we went on as if nothing was ever wrong. But the next week, he was feeling off. And he stayed feeling off.
Once I was on board, I stayed on board, but he never did make up his mind, although he was very close to actually asking me out one night, but chickened out, he later told me.
We'd be fine for a little while, then we'd fight and wouldn't know how to behave around each other for a few days. It was odd. I wanted to go a month without fighting about something or other and we almost made it. January 9th through February 6th. Just almost a month. January 9th I was upset because he was supposed to come over the next day, but then told me that night that he was getting sick. He said later in our conversation that he'd been feeling like he was coming down with something earlier that afternoon, but continued to talk to me throughout the day like he was coming only to give me the bad news around midnight or so. And I was angry and I was more angry than I should have been because getting sick is a legitimate reason not to come over. It's just that I'd been inviting him to come over to my home several times and something always came up, but this time it wasn't even the weekend-- it was just a day at Kathleen's. It frustrated me greatly and made me feel like he was never going to come, even though he did promise me before.
That argument turned into him getting very angry with me for being so upset about his getting sick and he was hurt because I "didn't even care that he was getting sick" and stuff. Of course I cared, but I was angry and irrationally so and I even said I knew I was irrationally angry. Anyway, he made it seem like he was never going to come over ever and that he basically wanted nothing more to do with me, but I knew he was just speaking out of hurt feelings and we did patch up some later that night.
For about a month we seemed to do much better. We didn't argue about stuff and we had a lot of days where we hung out with each other. He did come over to Kathleen's when my mom and sister came so he got to meet them and it was a good day. He even came over again the next day. (That was actually the day that I became unsure about things, but shortly after, things were all on board on my end and then he was unsure from then on.)
Then came the day he was finally going to come to my house for the weekend! It'd be Friday and Saturday, and we'd come back Sunday afternoon. No biggy. It was all planned, we had the ride worked out and times and everything. It was set.
Until about midnight the night before. Actually, there was a foreshadowing earlier in the day. He is very concerned about receiving packages (because he seems to get them a lot) and he likes to be there when they arrive. One was suddenly expected to arrive that Saturday and he didn't want it to get stolen from his doorstep. This frustrated me incredibly because it was a package from his parents. This could have easily been avoided if he had bothered to tell him his plans, but he did not. I asked him if his parents knew his plans and his response was, "Heck no!"
Heck no? Why the "heck" not? Evidently he was afraid they might frown upon it, so he'd rather just not say anything to them.
He was undecided about whether this particular obstacle was going to keep him from going, and later said to me on fb, "I feel like you're afraid I'm going to cancel."
He did. Ultimately. I tried to work with him. I gave him several possible fixes for his package. Have his landlady pick it up for him? A neighbor maybe? Leave it there, it may not get stolen? It'd only be there for about a day anyway. Then he started adding things like "Well I have all this homework and I'd worry about the package and it wouldn't be fair for me to be doing homework and not socializing with your family and it'd be awkward..." etc.. I worked with a homework schedule. I spent about 30 minutes hashing one out. I had this down to a fine art. This could work. But I could tell he was fishing for reasons not to come and I could tell he was getting angry with my not taking that.
He ultimately blamed my insistence on his coming to be the reason that he decided not to go. I wasn't "understanding" enough and "pushing" too hard. And that made me furious. I mean, I get that things come up, but things ALWAYS come up. This time every thing was set. We had everything planned out. It was going to be great and he canceled at the last minute. Again.
Of course I was furious and of course I was upset and of course I cried about it. I was mad that he blamed me for him canceling the most, though.
Throughout the weekend, we still talked and stuff, but after that I never really forgave him. To me, if he didn't come that weekend, I knew he never would. There was really no reason why it couldn't work, he just didn't want to because other things were more important.
After a few weeks, that started to fade (although every time I think about it, it always boils my blood) and things were being okay, not okay, okay, not okay. It was very wishy washy. The week of his birthday, he was affectionate and nice. Then he went home that weekend and came back rather distant. It was odd.
I'd introduced a game to him-- Perdittle. It's where there's a headlight out on a car and if you call it on someone, they have to give you a kiss. Seemingly a very fun and innocent game among couples, right? No big deal-- except I'm really good at spotting perdittles and I think he's kind of a sore loser about it. He wouldn't kiss me that week and he didn't tell me why. He just stopped and later bragged about it by saying, "Aren't you proud of me for resisting?"
I'm over here like, "Am I proud of you for hurting my feelings by doing this? No, not really."
Later he said that he felt like the game perdittle was bad because he didn't want to "owe" kisses and felt that he shouldn't "have" to kiss me and that they shouldn't be like that.
I was floored. Are you serious? If he didn't want to play the game, fine. Say you don't want to play it, but don't just stop kissing me passive aggressively. That's mean and that's not fair. I let him know that and he seemed to be okay with it I guess?
Later he called a perdittle on me.
Oh, we're playing now? Cool. Guess he figured it wasn't so bad after all?
Ha. Ha. I wish. I gets worse.
So we have this beautiful week where we are getting along very well and affection is back to normal levels and I'm just happy and fine with it. We hang out a lot and we're doing well.
Then Monday and Tuesday (of last week) happened. Monday my friend (who said to define the relationship before) was not exactly happy to hear that not only were we still hanging out, but kissing, too. I mean, it'd been bothering me that he never did ask me out and yet has said frequently that he'd forget we weren't officially together. In my mind, I wondered what the difference would be, so why not just go ahead and do it?
So Tuesday, I skipped a class and UFC (a church thing) to hang out with him and while we watched a show, I asked him if he was going to ask me out. He didn't give me an answer, basically just that things have been so complicated and such.
Wednesday he said we should talk but that he wanted to talk in person. Thursday afternoon he said he wanted to make a joint decision about our next step.
Thursday night we skyped and he basically broke up with me, even though we were never technically together.
I cried. A lot. Long and hard. The next day we had plans to go to the animal shelter and pet the kitties-- something he said he'd been kind of thinking about doing to make up for him canceling his visit to come visit my home that weekend back in February. So I didn't want him to get out of that. But the way things turned out, I probably should have.
Originally this break up thing wasn't supposed to happen and it was supposed to be a happy day since it'd be the last day I saw him until Spring term. But since the "break up" thing, I was pretty upset to begin with and unsure how to behave around him now. We agreed I'd come by 10:30 and we'd go from there.
Well I ended up not getting to leave until a little later (due to him not texting me back and then just missing a bus) so I was there more like around 11. When I got there, the first thing he asked me was if I'd rather just stay and watch a movie or something.
My heart sank. It felt like lately I was always trying to do nice things for him so he wouldn't bail on me or feel like I was so controlling. I played many video games with him because HE wanted to. Honestly, half the time I was pretty bored out of my skull. I'd have preferred to take a walk or go bowling or something else. At least I got some kisses and cuddles, though.
I didn't say anything to his movie request, but he knew I didn't want to do that so he just bucked up and started figuring out our plan of action for kitties.
It was a long bus ride over to the other side of town and my head was pounding from crying the night before (and a little that morning after I told Kathleen what happened), so I'd rest my head against his shoulder while he played on his 3DS. We got off and started talking and walking, but the conversation had a lot of cracks at each other and once he even tripped me as a joke-- which was NOT funny because we were on the side of a highway with no shoulder and a pretty deep ditch. It could have been bad and I didn't take humor in it. I actually felt very betrayed.
I asked him a few times throughout the day if he was okay and he said yah. I didn't really believe him, though. I kept feeling like he was mad at me.
When we got there we did see the kitties, I got to hold a bunny, and we briefly looked at the dogs. We returned to the kitties and got to pet them more. He was particularly fond of this Siamese cat, but he had knocked the water over and was very embarrassed by it. He got frustrated with me because anything I said about it didn't seem to help. The gal who came in to clean it up said very casually and friendly-like "Oh, this happens all the time. It's no big deal." And he was very comforted by that. I felt it slightly passive aggressive that he said so audibly "Thank you, that makes me feel better." It was as if he was jabbing me for not being able to console him, like I was a failure for that. Or that he was mad at me taking my pitiful attempts as jabs at him or his disappointment that I what I said didn't make him feel better. Honestly, at that point, I don't think anything I said could have made him feel better.
Later he wanted me to pet this Siamese and it hissed at me viciously. He thought that was so funny because it liked him a lot, but hated me. This did not make me feel very good. I did tell him later that it actually kind of does hurt my feelings when a cat doesn't like me because I love cats and stuff and it sucks when one hates you. He teased me about it still the rest of the day and into the weekend.
We spent some time with a 5 month old black kitten named Oliver and he was so mellow and sweet. That was a good part. He and I weren't fussing at each other and it was good. Finally we left, and he made remarks about how unhelpful I was about the cat water thing. Along the way back, we made more passive aggressive cracks at each other and it was just feeding this overwhelming dissatisfaction for the whole day.
We stopped by Taco Bell on the way back and ate. Then we had some time to kill before the next bus came so we just walked around a bit. I'm not exactly sure what happened here, so here's what I know: I was singing along to my ipod because I'd had it since we were on the bus and just never put it away. I like singing so it was fun for me. One song came on and I asked if he liked the artist, he said yes, so I kept singing. I said how much I liked the song, but he then said he didn't like it. Then something happened where I guess I stepped too closely in front of him at the end of a crosswalk or whatever and he said under his breath, "Just cut me off!"
I thought he was just teasing or neutral so I just said, "Okay."
Then he stormed off suddenly. I asked him again, "Are you okay?"
He turned to me suddenly and said, "No, I'm f---ing p---ed off!"
I was actually shocked he used that language with me. "Why?" I asked.
"Because you've been obnoxious all day!" Then he continued walking briskly away from me.
I followed about ten steps behind him and mumbled to myself "Well it's not like you've been a basket of roses today."
He went inside a shop and I stayed outside, sat on the curb and cried to myself. Shortly after, he came out, said we needed to head to the bus, so I got up, followed ten steps behind him, and didn't say a word. He led us across the street and I didn't say anything even though I knew that it wasn't where we needed to go. I didn't say anything when he admitted it was wrong. I just didn't say anything to him at all until we got off the bus about 40 minutes later and told him which direction was his street.
We walked in silence all the way back to his apartment. I had to go back because my scooter was there, but I wasn't sure if I was welcome to stay or not.
When we came inside I asked if he was still mad at me and he said he was completely neutral, but I didn't believe that. I just stood in the doorway for awhile, unsure of what to do. Part of me just wanted to say, "Thanks for taking me to the kitties. Have a nice spring break." But the other part of me did not want to leave things that way.
After a while he started playing Animal Crossing on his DS and said I could come sit down if I wanted, or go home if I wanted. I told him I'd be going home the next day-- with Janaka. So I sat down and we just kind of kept quiet. He apologized for snapping at me. I told him I never wanted to make him mad. Mildly irritated, sure, but not mad.
We decided to watch a movie. Singing in the Rain. I was still allowed to use him as an ottoman and such. It was okay. My head was still killing me, though. After the movie, we played The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker for a while. After that we just hung out and at the end he walked me to the bus and gave me a hug and wished me a good Spring Break. We apologized that the day pretty much sucked.
Honestly, the whole day didn't suck, it was just that everything was weird and it was frustrating and our attitudes weren't helping.
I talked to him like normal the second half of Saturday and things seem to be back to October/November friendy since.
It's still kind of sad to me, though. I feel like I'm not allowed to my memories because it would just make it harder.
So This is the start of my Spring Break. It's too bad. He's pretty cute and has a lot of good qualities (that are sadly missing from this history, I'm afraid). I'm just sad that it has to be this way.
Like him, I have no regrets in this, though. At the very least, I think I've made it clear to him that everything happens for a reason and even with this relationship, although nothing seemed to come from it, it is a learning experience. We both know ourselves better and we know more of what we want/need in a relationship. Evidently we are not as up to snuff for the other as we could be.