15 April 2015
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I've got strep throat. Since last Wednesday.
I have never felt consistently ill for so long before in my life (except maybe chicken pox, but I really only remember being itchy).
Ever had strep throat before? Well I have white patches on my left tonsil, soreness in my throat that runs pain inside my ear and down my neck and my lymph nodes in my neck on the left side are swollen. It is so weird. Last week I kept having a low fever, that kept up through Sunday. I say this started Wednesday because that's when I started feeling soreness in my skin (a sign of a low fever) and I think Thursday is maybe when my throat started hurting. Friday is when I found the spots, though. I'm not sure how long they've been there.
Anyway, I've been on antibiotics since Monday, but I haven't felt any better yet. I was hoping that I'd start seeing some kind of improvement after the first few days, but this is day three, dose 5 and I still feel the same, although I haven't been feverish.
I also keep getting a migraine. I had the same migraine three days in a row (Saturday through Monday) and then I got this really nasty killer neck migraine last night, and today I felt another one start up, so I took some Advil early on. It's being kept at bay, but once the Advil wears off, I'm sure it'll come back.
Advil does help my throat feel tolerable and almost like it's going to get better, but as soon as it wears off, I feel even worse. I'm really starting to worry that maybe it really isn't strep and that the antibiotics are all for naught.
Guh, I am really hoping that I start seeing some improvements!! If at least my lymph nodes wouldn't be so swollen, or if my throat only hurt when I swallow, you know? I've never had this before! I'm not sure any one in my family has!
Lately I've just been feeling especially down and this isn't helping. I'm really quite frustrated with the whole situation with the guy. I knew that if I didn't say hi to him at the church group, he wouldn't bother trying to say hi to me. Well that happened yesterday (during that awful neck migraine, mind you). I guess maybe I shouldn't have bothered going.
What's worse about this, though, is that my social media seems to be exploding with weddings and engagements from so many people that I know who are my age (or younger). And I'm over here, finishing up my last term at college thinking that I should have been that far by now. I was expecting to meet somebody real nice at college.
And I did. And now he doesn't want to be seen with me. He won't even say hi.
It makes me feel like nobody will ever like me, and maybe that's an exaggeration, but I seem to have a pretty good record of scaring people away. I really don't know what it is about me. I come off as real nice and friendly, funny, too, but then my insecurities take over and suddenly everything I'm afraid of happening happens. They start to avoid me. They start to dislike everything about me. I start becoming one of those people they are only polite to, but inside are wishing I hadn't noticed them at all.
Once school is over, I have another problem-- how do you come across a potential spouse when you live in the middle of nowhere? I can't just go to a bar or anything like that (because I'm not looking for that type). I'm also not really a social person. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with people, just not a lot of people at the same time.
I'm really picky about what I'm looking for, too. Especially after this last relationship thing. I knew I was ignoring red flags. But really, I was trying to point them out to HIM to say hey, I'm not the only female on the planet who will have issue with this and for your sake you'd better start checking yourself because maybe you don't want to run off the next girl who finds you to be a good respectable guy who's worth investing in.
He didn't really listen to me anyway. It's funny, too, because he didn't listen to me even on things he said he had personal convictions on-- such as drinking. He said he was straight edge-- no drinking or smoking. And then as soon as he turned 21, he went drinking. He didn't have much, but he did try it. But what's worse, he later went to an event thing and some other chick convinced him to have a drink there. -_-;; I tried to tell him not to do that. I worry about him. He is very weak when it comes to peer pressure. My protective nature comes out in those kinds of situations. If I were there, I'd have supported him not drinking. But then I'm "controlling" and that's "baaad."
I can't win.
So yes, I'm sad things didn't work out between us because I really do care about him a lot, but no, I'm not absolutely devastated because I know I deserve better than that. Someone who'll take my opinions seriously and not just think I'm constantly trying to control him. But yes, I am sad that my time in college is ending in that I will no longer be surrounded by a pool of young men my age. -_-;; Maybe that's selfish, but I am worried about it. And since I'm still trying to get completely over him
, I feel like looking for someone else will just be too soon for me. I wouldn't be emotionally ready. I'd probably just try not to be lonely.
I don't believe in the rebound relationship. I think every relationship is unique. But my situation is different than his. I was the one who was dumped. I didn't do the dumping. (Actually, this is the second time he has done the dumping in a row, and the second time I've been dumped in a row, so there you go.)
So on top of all this emotional nonsense I've been dealing with (no boyfriend, facebook plastered with engagements and weddings and photos of couples together, the fact that it's spring and every channel is talking about love, blah blah), I've also got strep throat and it doesn't seem to be getting better (but maybe I'm not being patient enough).
I had to miss church on Sunday. It was the whole reason I went home last weekend... to go to church on Sunday and do communion and see Beth. We were signed up together for nursery duty. That was something Joyce did to be nice and stuff. Because she knows how much I like Beth and such. I'm so disappointed.
I'm just going through a particularly sucky season right now. I'm in the valley and I want to be on the mountain. I'm stuck in the shadows, feeling my way through the dark and tripping over rocks in the road along the way. The sun hasn't come up yet. It's too dark to tell where I'm going. It's mostly overcast, too, so I only see a few little stars, but not enough to tell me which way to go.